Change

Change.

It’s a terrifying notion to many. Perhaps conforting to some.

To me, change is a necessity.

My life’s been a whirlwind of change since I turned 19. Though sheltered and protected under the roof of a conservative asian household, I set my life out to do everything they didn’t want me to.

Acting. There goes the “you should be a doctor or a lawyer” conditioning they constantly “encouraged” growing up. The five C’s notion (Condo, Cash, Credit Card, Car and Country Club (membership)) that determines your success in life.

I remember when I first decided I was going to film school, the disappointment and questions that invaded my self-worth that I was never going to attain those materialistic “needs” they only believed was true had me running around trying to prove the rebellion in me was right. Trying to prove that life isn’t just about comfort. Life is more than that.

I wanted to be happy. I wanted to do something I liked. And I did. For six years, any struggling actor can tell you, the woes you face day in and day out wondering and worrying about your next gig. Wondering if you were good enough. Wondering when your pay check would come in so you can pay off that mounting phone bill you have because of all the calls you’ve been putting through just to get a shot at an audition.

It was hard. I never had savings. I never had stability. I never had a constant flow on income. I never had a routined work day. But I had one thing – satisfaction. I was happy. I was happy to go on a set, be a different person for a moment, and watch that person unfold. I was happy to leave a scene knowing I’ve resolved someone’s life. I was happy – because every character was a different one. There was change.

Fast forward those six years, I found myself in a series of changes again. Big ones. Exciting ones. Scary ones.

I packed my life up, dropped my six-year acting career, and left. I moved countries, continents, culture and everything I knew for 26 years. I came to Canada. I started a new life with a wonderful man. He knew how to say the right things, to be the support and encouragement any one needed. He was the epiphany of what my parents would think was “the perfect husband”.

For four years, we led a life unlike most other couples. We lived at home with a set of in-laws that I could never and would never trade out. They were amazing people and they brought their son up well. I found a job that secured my income. I got those credit card things. We had two cars between us. I had friends… Those four years went by so quickly, we found ourselves living like room-mates and best buds. To some people, this was great – marrying your best friend. What could be better than that? Or what could be worse? I was.

I was wrong. I did wrong. Here I was, a girl who had everything most people wanted. A good life, good family, good spouse, good income, the works. But I wasn’t happy. For one, I had slipped into monotony where life repeated itself everyday. But the bigger part of it was that I learned to accept and be who I am and that struggle was terrifying.

I’m gay.

Let’s think back for a moment. Here’s a 30-year-old Asian girl who grew up in a conservative society, got married to the guy of “her parents'” dreams, living in the household of her In-laws who have been nothing but generous and loving to her. She’s about to go crazy living a lie just because she doesn’t want to shake the system – the comfort system. The easy system.

But she did. Heartbroken and guilty. She ripped that life apart. She ripped out the hearts of not only the best guy she’s ever known, but the hearts of her family, his family, their egos, her religion, her culture, her upbringing, years of “doing what they deemed was right”, years of pain.

That too shall pass.

For years till then, I had craved something real. I had craved truth. They say the truth will set you free. It did. I came out. First to my friends (though many here already knew), then to my brother, then to him and his family, then my mom and family. I came out. The experience – not shy of drama and tears but it had to happen.

I was fortunate though. I met her. Kimberly Gibson. She showed me the way, she supported me and showed me how much I can still love a person, and myself. She gave me a reason to marry again, and to be able to call her “my wife”.

Life’s always going to have some struggle. Even through her move to Canada and living pay check to pay check, our life is still fulfilling.

Our life unfolded itself into the life I’ve always craved for. I have the perfect spouse (my wife), a tight group of friends, still the same job, living life for ourselves and not because people tell you to.

I’ve come this far in life. I’m 32 years old this year. I’ve been so busy with these changes in my life till I’ve got almost everything I’ve wanted.

But even with that, my heart and mind still craves change. It’s this feeling that doesn’t stop creeping in on you. My friends call it “drive”. Maybe it is, maybe that is what keeps me going.

Maybe it’s acting. Maybe that’s the constant “non-detrimental or self-destructive” change I need in my life.

I have time to find out.